2010
i’m spending too many nights with my thoughts and not enough time with you, but you don’t want me back and though that’s my fault, all my nerves scream i miss you and I’m not one to go against the crowd of my body. maybe i can find someone else to write about. i hope i can soon
2010i hate that you’ve turned into everything you’re not and that the hardest fight i have now is standing on my own two feet. don’t speak my name. clip my wings, set me on my way. i must be in love with breaking my own heart, because i dont know why i come back here when it’s so hard for me. i love being on the road more than anything as long as someones beside me. i don’t know what to say, but it makes me happy to have you here. our lips can touch\our cheeks brush but i will never like where we are: here.
2011my heart is too heavy these days, and i’m about to burst from the seams. i don’t like dancing, but right now i want to slow dance and i need a new haircut. i’m trying not to spill my guts through my teeth, and I hope you’re as happy as you’re pretending. for two years you reminded me of home and i’ve been trying to find the words for two days of what to say but i’ve decided fuck it. do you not think so far ahead? because i’ve been thinking forever.
2012. i woke up. dropped everything/started over. hes better than me of course. sail with me into this setting sun though,/the captain goes down with his ship/will you spread my ashes somewhere they’ll never be found? i’ll send postcards from the road how i’m better off. i have too much left to say to not say a thing. and tonight is not my night. thank you for the sunflowers/i’ll bash my skull into the wall/we’re better off alone together.
2011i stopped dreaming/woke up now, and thought it’s over. just tell me it’s okay. but i couldn’t talk to save my life. the weather is perfect on the day that you die, but i hate the weather here. don’t ask me where i live. i dont know anymore. but, i’m never happy where i am. i should sleep before the sun comes up. i’m just time to kill now. i can feel it all over. i’m not waving/i’m drowning, because i’m the one who hates being alone. the way i live. i don’t want to be anything at all anymore. i don’t sing the blues, i live them ex-letters/bed-setters old betters/green betters. I’ll turn all my teeth into thirsty fangs.
2012 i lied and said the fogged glass made you look like the right choice. i know there isn’t anything to make it unclear, i know what it’s like to have no one take you seriously. my life is a joke and i’m no thief. we’ve got chips on our shoulders about eachother and i bronzed mine for the memories. i only speak in past tense. i dont handle anything well. i am melodrama/i am passive aggression. i’m trying to hop a freight train out of town, and as far away as possible
2012this stretch of road would seem so lonely if you weren’t there to be with me. i remember driving alone every day wishing to have someone be there for me because all my friends left me for her or jumped town. I’ve been hating myself constantly, but now that I’ve got someone to talk to on these streets, I think I’ll be okay. I’m sorry that I’m so awkward, because all I have is this broken heart and I guess I don’t know if I should give you the burden to fix it or not. I hope you choose to, because right now I need you
2012just let go of all your bitterness
it takes time I know
but it works
need time to find out what makes me.
time to spend searching for what
makes people want to be around me in the first place.
it’s tough to rediscover yourself
but when you do,
You’ll have grown from it all.
past experiences don’t define,
they only made me.
my dear, i love the creases of your cheeks.
2012
"revised"forgetting/moving on
we’re gone
unrealistic dreams
wake up
end it/start over.
better choice.
sail with me into the setting sun/
this captain goes down with his ship/
spread my ashes somewhere they’ll never be found
sent postcards from the road
"i’m better off without you."
too much left to say
cant pass up
not my night .
thanks for the sunflowers/
bash my skull into the wall/
better off alone together.
2012
"revised"too heavy heart
burst seam
distasteful waltzing
but we abide
I need to change me
don’t snap
I hope you’re as happy as you’re pretending.
for two years you reminded me of home
trying to find the words
for two days
forget it
do you not think so far ahead?
i’ve been thinking forever.
2012
"revised"foggy glassed liar
nothing to fog
dont prove me wrong
don’t take me serious
i’m a joke. a thief
chips on our shoulders for one another
mines bronze
past tense spoke
past regret
i am melodrama/i am passive aggression.
hop a freight train out of town,
or in front
.thanks for this xxxxxx
thanks for last xxxxxx
2012i’m going to break all my fingers in an effort to show you how much you meant to me
raze and firebomb our haunts
and tear down everyplace that reminds me of you.
i’ll dig through my chest tear out a rib for every time you cross my mind
anchor /memorialized
2012MY FRACTURED HEART STILL CAN’T FIND THE WORDS TO EXPLAIN HOW I FEEL.
ALL MY MEMORIES KEEP TRYING TO EXPLAIN EVERYTHING LATELY.
IF THIS BLOOD IS WARM THEN I DON’T KNOW IT.
WHATS IT LIKE BACK HOME?
THE SAD FEELINGS, THE RECURRING THEMES AND THE CONSTANT HEARTACHE?
I’M NOT SORRY THAT I’M NOT THERE.
I HOPE IT’S ALRIGHT WITHOUT ME.
THIS CIGARETTE SMOKE KEEPS ME ADRIFT AT SEA
2013THIS IS OUR SINKING STORY, ONE OF BITTERNESS AND LONELINESS THAT I’VE FEARED THE MOST. NO MORE WORDS, BUT WHEN YOU DISAPPEAR, LEAVE A NOTE SAYING YOU WERE NEVER WARM. ADDRESSED TO LEAVE US EVER A LOVING SMILE, HAVENS OF DIVINITY OF WORTH THAT I FOUND IN YOU
2013WAITING TO SEE IF OUR HEARTS MEANT ANYTHING. THIS IS A GOOD END. I CAN SEE THE FEAR IN YOUR EYES BECAUSE THERES NOTHING FOR ME TO DO AND NOTHING ME TO SAY OR THINK OR SING. WHEN I SEE ME I DON’T THINK I CAN HANDLE IT. TIMEPIECES OF REMINDERS OF ENDINGS. IS LOVE ONLY FOR WANT?
2013WITH THESE CONSTANT MISTAKES IVE BEEN JUDGING MY WORTH HARDER THAN EVER. AM I WORTH IT? AM I WORTHWHILE. I WORRY. JUST TO SAY WHAT HAVE I DONE. WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE. I CONSTANTLY CHEAT MYSELF.
2013
THE HARDEST THINGS THAT I EVER SAID WERE WORDS THAT I LOVED THEN. THE HARDEST THING THAT I’VE EVER SAID WAS THAT I LOVED YOU. I DEALT WITH MY OWN HEART AND I DON’T FUCKING FEEL A THING IN MY CHEST. I’VE LOST TOO MANY FRIENDS TO MY OWN INSECURITIES. AND I’VE BEEN RUNNING, AND I’M ALMOST FAR ENOUGH AWAY TO FINALLY SEE THIS HOME FROM A DIFFERENT POINT OF VIEW. I KNOW NOW THAT ALL MY WORDS MEAN NOTHING. I NEVER MEANT MUCH. I’VE JUST ALWAYS KID MYSELF. WRAP ME IN THE PAGES OF A MANIFEST DREAM. THE SETTING SUN THE SETTING SUN KEEPS FUCKING TAUNTING ME. WRAP ME IN THE PAGES OF A MANIFEST DREAM BECAUSE TONIGHT I AM NOT THE SAME. YOU’RE NOT THE SAME. I’M NOT THE SAME.
July 2013
it’s tough to rediscover yourself
but when you do,
You’ll have grown from it all.
but when you do,
You’ll have grown from it all.
so i buried my heart and my home when i left
and began laying new foundation
oh how naieve(, our)/are hearts
oh how naieve(, our)/are hearts
July 2013i spent the night around
hanging out with my friends
sitting at the park smoking
and fighting one another
soon ill be gone
and afterwards we went back
to harrys house
just to sit around
and feel even worse
but soon ill be gone
August 2013i hope i dont see you in montauk
when i go to visit my friends
the ones who all tell me
its my fault that we’re not friends
i hope i get black lung
a cold heart and a good run
im gonna buy myself a big gun
gonna buy myself a big gun
gonna buy myself a big gun
im gonna buy myself a goodbye
July 2013i saw a picture of a man wearing my favorite dress of yours
the one you never wore for me anymore
split glass half moons and melting cherry red chapstick eyes
it didnt hurt it didnt hurt it didnt hurt me like it used to when i used to think of you
it didnt hurt it didnt hurt it didnt hurt like a split glass moon insomniac feverdream
August 2013
how do i say goodbye to people
and what do i say to someone whos dying
"see you next summer" “Lets keep in touch"
it’s all you can say to those you wont see again
and i burned my hand with a cigarette today
when they mentioned you on the radio
fatal wreck, no survivors.
i was stopped at a red light
and what do i say to someone whos dying
"see you next summer" “Lets keep in touch"
it’s all you can say to those you wont see again
and i burned my hand with a cigarette today
when they mentioned you on the radio
fatal wreck, no survivors.
i was stopped at a red light
and put it out on the back of my hand
how do i say goodbye to something thats dead
2012
im just standing here on my two feet and you’re heading out of the country and im pretty weak because i cant sleep.
i know i don’t have any right but i hope you stay golden, gold haired and, glowing, because i could never make you. and i’m down and brown haired and browning out and i’ll make sure i won’t call you because you don’t need that, i know and i know and i know and i’m not as dumb as you thought i was.
i’ll keep staying up late, and singing snowing in the state of arizona 6,000 miles away from you and it’s better this way and it’s better that i can’t stay here for much longer.
2013i hope the moon doesn’t keep you up so many miles away and i hope that you’ll continue to be happy, because you deserve that and i never really could do that for anyone, let alone you. i’m sorry and it doesn’t matter anymore but you deserve better than that.
2012BURN ALL MY PAST LIVES
BUILD ON MY PAST LIES
BECOME WHAT MY LIFE SIGHTS
IT’S NEVER SEEMED SO LONG SINCE I’VE BEEN GONE
I’M GONE I’M GONE AND WE’RE ALL DOING FINE NOW THAT I’M GONE AND NOW THAT YOU’RE GONE
2013i hate myself so much and i dont get it
i don’t remember the shape of your face
or the feeling of your bed
and though i kept on to our belongings
i’ll end up burning them soon.
i dont know where to go
there’s a whole lot of fucking roads
i’m low, and i’ll die young
hahahah im so sorry
2013
how do i say goodbye to something thats dead
2012
im just standing here on my two feet and you’re heading out of the country and im pretty weak because i cant sleep.
i know i don’t have any right but i hope you stay golden, gold haired and, glowing, because i could never make you. and i’m down and brown haired and browning out and i’ll make sure i won’t call you because you don’t need that, i know and i know and i know and i’m not as dumb as you thought i was.
i’ll keep staying up late, and singing snowing in the state of arizona 6,000 miles away from you and it’s better this way and it’s better that i can’t stay here for much longer.
2013i hope the moon doesn’t keep you up so many miles away and i hope that you’ll continue to be happy, because you deserve that and i never really could do that for anyone, let alone you. i’m sorry and it doesn’t matter anymore but you deserve better than that.
2012BURN ALL MY PAST LIVES
BUILD ON MY PAST LIES
BECOME WHAT MY LIFE SIGHTS
IT’S NEVER SEEMED SO LONG SINCE I’VE BEEN GONE
I’M GONE I’M GONE AND WE’RE ALL DOING FINE NOW THAT I’M GONE AND NOW THAT YOU’RE GONE
2013i hate myself so much and i dont get it
i don’t remember the shape of your face
or the feeling of your bed
and though i kept on to our belongings
i’ll end up burning them soon.
i dont know where to go
there’s a whole lot of fucking roads
i’m low, and i’ll die young
hahahah im so sorry
2013
now forward,
we stand face
to face.
i’ve wondered how we were
supposed to
handle what
lies in store and (___________________________________________________________)-(___________________________________________________________)
(___________________________________________________________)
2013
i’d rip my
hands off of
each other
if it meant that
we could be
what i always dreamt we could
be or if i could be
what i always wanted to be
and if i didn’t have to leave
